Disclosed Scars
by Darkhours
Summary: Castle cheers Beckett up by taking her ice skating. Post Kill Shot.


**For the prompt on tumblr. This one is dedicated to Alex for helping me procrastinate :)**

* * *

"Yeah I think I am," she says to Burke as another tear falls from her eye but Beckett isn't so quick to wipe it away this time. Knowing that these tears are the small steps she has to take toward her goal, toward recovery. So she'll shed them along with the _her_ she was yesterday. That Beckett no longer exists. The closed off, afraid to commit and trust Beckett has to go if she wants to move forward, have happiness in her life.

"Are you sure? Because after this there is no turning back," Burke reiterates, his voice soft and understanding. "Once we begin this stage of treatment-"

"I'm ready. Just tell me what I have to do." She folds her hands together, places them on her knee; listening.

"Well you can start by staying whenever your instincts tell you to run. Running from your problems and the things you're scared of only makes a deeper wound, which seriously delays the healing process."

"Okay."

"Next time you have a nightmare, write it down. Dissect it so you can discover the root of the problem. Next time your scars start to ache don't just pop a pill," he says. "Learn to breathe through it."

She nods at that. Her physical strength trainer told her the same thing. That just numbing the pain won't make it disappear only covers up the trauma that she has to deal with.

"And about Castle?" He continues. She looks up at his name curious about what he's about to say. "Don't be afraid of your feelings. Let them guide you in fact. Don't be afraid of his either, Kate. If he makes you happy and laugh then he's good for your recovery."

"I don't trust myself when it comes to him," she admits.

"Why?"

"I'm afraid I might be the one to push us too far and then hurt him by taking it back."

"Then don't."

* * *

Gates gave her the rest of day off so she wouldn't have to deal with the paperwork until tomorrow.

The sun is just starting to set and a pleasant chill is rolling down over the city as Beckett finds her way home. There's a lightness to her shoulders now. She can't tell if it's because she made a huge step towards getting better or if it's because of all the crying she's been doing these past few days. Or maybe a combination of both.

She takes the stairs up to her apartment and unexpectedly finds Castle walking up to her door. When he knocks on it lightly she comes up behind him and says, "yes?"

He jumps, gasping in a large breath full of air while he turns to face her.

"Hey," he manages to say despite his now erratic heart rate. It's because she scared him. No other reason.

"Hey. What're you doing here?"

"I uh wanted to see you. See how you were holding...up."

She hums a response and side steps him to open her door. When it swings open she gestures for him to go inside.

Her go-to response was there resting on the tip of her tongue, the lie that is "I'm fine," be damned but then she remembered how good he's been lately. Especially during the sniper case they just closed. He's giving her space, being there when she needs him, and pushing when she needs to be pushed. She owes him the truth at the least. That much she can do for him.

"I'm...getting there."

"What do you mean?" He inquires, his eyebrow quirking up in that adorable manner.

"I'm," she bites on her lip, looks away. "I'm not okay. I know that now. But I'm getting to a place where I can-"

How can she state this?

"Begin the process of moving forward."

Did she just tell him that she hasn't made any progress since the swings? Yes she did, which is a lie.

"I thought I could without reliving the trauma, but I suppose I can't," she continues, looking down at her feet.

"Are you confident?" He asks after a minute. His voice warm and curious. But she sees in his eyes that he desperately wants this question answered.

"More than I was yesterday."

He smiles then. "Good." That's all he can ask for. He told her he'd wait and to hear that she's making progress warms his heart, gives him hope that all this waiting won't be in vain.

"So have you any plans for this evening?" He asks becoming more comfortable with being here.

"Why?" She questions walking to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

"I wanted to take you out." He realizes she's smart enough to hear the unsaid "on a date" but he doesn't care. Nor will he revise his sentence.

"Take me out?" She teases. "Like a-"

"Friendly outing. I already made plans."

"And if I say no?"

"I'll badger you constantly until you say yes."

As much as she appreciates the effort she's tired. She exerted a lot of energy with this case and her sessions with Dr Burke doesn't help it either. She just kind of wants to sleep until tomorrow. But as Kate stares into his eyes she sees what he's trying to hide behind that million dollar smile of his. He wants to take care of her, his fatherly instincts rising because he cares for her. She took away his ability to watch her heal after she was shot and he doesn't want to see her revert back into herself to go through the psychological healing alone either. The root of his anger with her was because she never contacted him and so he was in the dark about how she was healing, _if_ she was healing.

_Do the opposite of what your instincts tell you._

Her conscience says sounding way too much like Burke.

"Okay," Kate surrenders. "What're we doing?" She turned just in time to see his face light up with a happiness that she dare not name. She's not that far along yet.

"It's a surprise."

"Do I need to change?"

"No. You don't need anything actually. Just yourself." No badge, no gun. Bare. Just her and suddenly it's getting a little harder to breathe. No backrest, no wall to lean on, nothing to fall back. She suddenly doesn't feel like she's ready for this. This step they're taking to big for her to keep up.

"Oh but you might wanna change into sneakers," he says forcing her from her thoughts. He knows she tends to overthink things and the last thing he wants is for her to feel overwhelmed with his completely innocent comment. Because that's what it was. Innocent. He had no other meaning but the literal.

She looks down at her flats and smiles. "Okay."

* * *

They walk for a while after they leave her apartment. He still hasn't told her what he has planned but she's okay with it. Content to let him have his way for now. Because this is what she can do for him.

He stops walking abruptly and turns to face her. "You ready?"

"For what?"

They turn the corner and he gestures to the ice rink down the street.

"You're taking me ice skating?"

"Yes! It'll be so much fun. Come on." He takes her wrist in his hand pulling a little too tight to lead her down the street. She sucks in a painful breath and snatches her arm away.

"Oh I'm so sorry. How bad is it?" He quaked. "I forgot it was there."

"You knew?"

"Of course I did, Kate. I didn't want to upset you by saying anything."

She looks down at her arm briefly, covered in a bandage before looking back up. "Oh. Thank you."

_Always_ is on the tip of his tongue but they're both too emotional for that tonight. So he settles for a smile, hopes she sees it in his eyes.

"Come on."

She lets him buy her skates (Had she known where they were going she would've brought hers) and tries not to laugh at his bright yellow socks.

"What? Don't make fun."

"I'm not. I'm not laughing."

"You're not doing a great job at not laughing."

* * *

"So I guess you're not going to pretend to be a bad skater so you'll have to cling to me."

"Sorry to disappoint, Castle," she laughs. It's not as bad as she thought it would be. It's easy falling into the familiar word play with him and it's that, that's her barrier, her backrest.

They easily fall in synch skating next to each other and she shakes her head with a coy smile. It's ridiculous.

"How's Alexis?"

"She's good I hope. I can tell she's still hurt over the Stanford thing but she's also getting better. She's constantly researching schools, keeping busy."

"Keeping busy helps with the pain of rejection. She'll be okay. She is your daughter after all."

"Was that a compliment?" He asks playfully.

"Yes. It was." She wants to elaborate on how she thinks he's a great father, share a moment, but she's still too raw from her emotional rollercoaster. So she can settle for taking his hand, squeezing gently before letting go.

He's so surprised by this move that he doesn't take his eyes off her, ends up smacking into the gentleman in front of him. He looks at Kate and finds her suppressing a smile. He can tell she needed this, even if it's at his expense.

"Are you okay?"

"Never better."

They skate side by side in silence a little while longer. The sun has gone down giving the moon permission to make an appearance. People are slowly disappearing. To Castle it looks like only couples are left.

He smiles.

"Give me your hands," he says abruptly stopping in front of her, causing her to crash into his chest momentarily. He chuckled out a "sorry" before laying his palms open in front of her.

"Do I want to?"

"Only you can answer that question."

She purposely sighs loudly in fake annoyance and takes his hands.

"What're we doing?" She asks tentatively; scared of the answer.

"Spinning." He begins to spin her around him before she can protest.

"Castle!" She yells. "How're we supposed to stop?"

He doesn't know.

He pulls her into him so she's hugging his chest and purposely slams into the side of the rink. It doesn't hurt as much as he thought it would, the padded edge probably his savior.

"Kate are you okay?"

She doesn't answer because she's laughing uncontrollably. "What is wrong with you?" She says dislodging herself from his vice grip. "That was actually a lot of fun."

"I did that to Alexis once she said she'd never go skating with me again."

"How old was she?"

"Nine."

"I see why."

They fall into step again only this time remaining conversation. Castle starts skating in circles around Kate while she follows the crowd of the few people left.

"My mom and I used to go skating all the time," she says surprising both of them.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She was terrible. She clung to the side all the time and would always tell me not to go to fast because she thought I would fall."

"That's cute."

"The last time we went skating was that picture I showed you last year?"

"I remember."

"Well that day I showed her how to keep her balance while I skated backwards to help her. My dad never did because he-like you- liked being clung to."

He rolls his eyes and smiles. "How often do you skate now?"

"Every once in a while when I have time. But not this year."

"We should make this a thing then. Every weekend."

"I don't have every weekend off Castle."

He pondered this for a minute. "So we go at least once a month. Skating is good for the mind."

"I believe you." She started feeling better the second she saw the rink.

"So do we have a deal?" He asks quirking his eyebrow up.

She wants to say no. That she can't guarantee that she'll be up to it all the time. "We'll see." It's the best she can do for now. But..."Thanks for this Castle. I needed this."

He really wants to say it. "No problem." He takes her hand to speed her up but when they touch her hand is ice cold. "Are you cold?"

"A little. I'm fine." Damn that lie. "I wish I brought my gloves."

"Come on. Let's go warm you up."

She wants to whine, say she's not ready to go yet but maybe it's for the best.

"Okay."

When they change back into their sneakers he carries her skates for her and tells her to put her hands in her pockets. That the warm from her legs should help.

"Let's go to Serendipity. Best hot chocolate ever."

She agrees with a nod. "Was all this a part of your plan?"

"I never had a plan. I didn't think I'd get this far."

She doesn't know how she feels about that. But at least she can still surprise him.

They take a cab and sit in silence. Sitting on opposite sides of the cab Kate chances a glance in Castle's direction, finds him staring out his window, arms protective over their skates in the bag.

She studies the curve of his jaw, the blue of his eyes, the bob of his Adam's apple when he swallows. If she made a move now she wouldn't stop. She would get addicted to easily thus ruining their chances at a real relationship. If he has to wait so does she. It wouldn't be fair of her to kiss him, have her wicked way with him, but turn around and tell him she still isn't ready to commit.

Patience.

She has to be patient with herself too. Forcing herself to heal is like not healing at all.

* * *

The place is practically empty when they arrive so they're seated quickly and Castle suggests a table by a vent to heat up his partner. They're put in a far corner by a wall dividing them from a birthday party.

He orders them a hot chocolate and a slice of pizza. "Have you eaten?"

"Not much in the last few days," she muttered.

"I only meant today but wow. We should get you two slices."

Now that the rush of the past few days are over she realizes that she is pretty hungry.

Since the place isn't crowded their hot chocolate gets their faster than normal, but they make the pizza fresh so it'll take a few minutes.

Having it just be them two in this little corner of the place makes it seem much more like a date. Like they'll play footsie and he'll kiss her goodnight. It's magical almost and it feels inevitable which is making her want to flirt but it's not a good idea. Bringing her to Serendipity was asking for trouble but he may not even know that.

"So you ever going to tell me how Ryan's impromptu bachelor party was?" She asks letting the mug warm her hands.

"Nope." She sighs, frustrated. "Sorry Beckett those are the rules. I'd tell you if I could."

"Okay," she says biting the inside of her cheek.

"Besides, why do you wanna know so bad?"

She shrugs and looks away. "Lanie told me you came home drunk."

"How did Lanie find out?" He questions.

"Umm." Shoot.

"Who really told you? It was my mother wasn't it. Alexis told my mother and my mother told you!"

"She wanted to know what happened in Atlanta. I told her I didn't know because I wasn't invited."

"Nothing bad happened. I was good!" She rolls her eyes. "Ish. Good-ish."

"Sure Castle."

"I promise."

She takes a sip of the chocolate, feels as it travels down inside her body, warming her. She doesn't even notice when her eyes slide closed and a moan climbs out her throat until Castle clears his throat and pretends to loosen his collar.

"I'm not sure you should be making sounds like that in public, Kate. Someone might get the wrong idea."

She doesn't even have a comeback, can only manage a blush.

"So uh, how is your mom? She okay after what happened?" She asks speaking about the bank robbery a few weeks ago.

"She said she was fine. Happier that I was okay more than her."

"That's sweet."

"Yeah," he says. "Before you came in and Trapper John put us all in the vault, I told everyone that this is the part when the hero breaks through the wall and saves us."

"Is that why you said 'see I told ya' when I walked in?"

"Yes. I've never been more happy to be right."

"I'll bet," she laughs.

Their pizza arrives then along with a crowd of people shuffling in.

"I don't think I ever-"

"You've said thank you enough Castle!"

"Not what I was going to say. I was going to ask what you said to Trapper John so he didn't shoot me. He called you a hellcat, you know."

Kate feels herself blushing but she shrugs it off. "I may have threatened...his life." She takes a bite if the pizza but he won't stop staring. "What?"

"You threatened to kill him if he shot me?"

"Yes." Not ashamed. "You're my partner. If he killed you," she says serious. "Who would bring me coffee?" Then she starts laughing.

"Haha! I'd like to think I'm more than just your coffee boy."

"Of course you are." She's serious and she hopes he can see it. That he's more than just her partner. So much much more and she's working on herself to be more for him. She's striving to be the Kate worthy of him. "Castle I-"

"I know."

"No you don't!" She takes his hand in hers. "I need you to know that I care about you Castle." She clears her throat. "You're more than just a partner." You're everything. "And I've been working on...that wall? I feel it's foundation shake every time I'm with you."

She bites her lip and chances a glance to his eyes and damn it if he isn't outright showing his love for her right now. She's suddenly too aware at how small the table is and how easily she could lean across and...

"Good to know. Good to know, Kate."

"Why?"

He just smiles mischievously.

* * *

"Thank you for tonight Castle. I had a good time actually."

It made her temporarily forget the demons that constantly eat away at her.

"Any time," he says smiling. She opens her apartment door turns back around to tell him goodnight. But that doesn't seem like enough.

"Same time next month?"

Finally. "Always."

Hands the bag to her with her skates and its not until after he leaves she realizes that he left his inside.


End file.
